Shut Up, Neva

"Shut up, Neva."

I swear that those three words comprise my first, middle, and last names. Since I began to talk, I don't think a day has gone by where this phrase hasn't made an appearance. My incessant questions, my desire to expose the truth, and my inability to accept that fact that not everybody gets the well placed Maude reference in everyday conversation.

The first time I've had this said to be by an entire classroom was in the second grade.

"Fact!" my oatmeal packet read. I was in the kitchen making myself breakfast on a gray day in February 1988, waiting for my mother to wake up and take me to school. "Christopher Columbus did not discover America, but the West Indies. He never made it to America."

My seven year-old world was rocked. Hard. I let the kettle whistle blow for a while as I steadied my dizzy head. I had just learned a few months ago that Columbus discovered the world was round and that he discovered America - could this oatmeal be telling the truth?

As class began that day, my second grade teacher, Mrs. Cahill, asked us if we had learned anything knew recently.

My hand must have made a sonic boom as it shot up. I prepared the class for the most earth shaking news they had ever heard. I did my best to set up that what I was about to say was going to change the way they looked at life.

"Columbus...did not discover America."

"Shut up, Neva." One classmate.

I tried to verify my statement. "It's true!"

"Shut up, Neva." Another classmate.

I tried to reach them with print. "I read it on my oatmeal packet! IT'S TRUE!"

"SHUT UP, NEVA!" Everybody.

What is odd is that I remember this chorus of "shut up" so clearly, I remember it happening in Mrs. Cahill's class, I remember getting my name on the board with a check mark telling someone else to shut up, and I do not remember anybody getting in trouble for saying this. Mrs. Cahill herself would have gotten a few as she muttered it under her breath as she shook her head in her hands, probably wondering why she had let me speak in class. Again.

What is crazy is that this became a grudge. In the sixth grade, when the truth about Columbus finally spilled out - when our social studies teacher, Mrs. Boatman, finally said out loud those words I had once said four years ago, I waited for the class to tell her to shut up. No one did and nobody even spoke a word...

..except me.

"You know, I found out about this in the second grade and nobody believed me!"

"Shut up, Neva."

I had to verify my statement. "It's true!"

"Shut up, Neva."

I had to reach them with print. "I read it on an oatmeal packet!"

"SHUT UP, NEVA!"

What is downright bonkers is that I am getting red faced just remembering this story. I just went to my class reunion this past June and recounted many specific stories about minor events that nobody remembered but me. And no one told me to shut up. They looked at me funny for a few moments, laughed, and went on. Wait. No. They looked at me funny, took a sip of their beer, laughed, and went on.

I think that means that sipping beer is the new "Shut up, Neva." Which is fine because I too had a beer. And I would sip it after they left. And I think that's the new "I read it on an oatmeal packet!"

Discomfort is on the Menu

I found this menu online a while back and I can't decide if it's charming, vintage, kitsch, or just uncomfortable to look at...

Courtesy of the Union Pacific Train.

The Secret Word is "Pancakes"

Dooce did a whole post about the secret word - pancakes. (Pancakes and her daughter. But there's only one of those things that is legal to cover in syrup and eat.)

Good Things and Bad Things While My Honda Gently Seeps

Good thing that happened today: I didn't go to work!

Bad thing that happened today: I didn't go to work because my car became engulfed in steam and fluid while on the 10 East and it fully didn't dawn on me just how bad that was until the car next to me honked - not to tell me to get over - but to panic and point at my car. If you ever need to get over four lanes of traffice lickity split, have steam pour from your car. No one even tries to cut you off.

Good thing: I found gas for $3.97!

Bad thing: I could not drive my car to get said gas because it was previously ENGULFED IN STEAM and to drive it any more would have resulted in DEATH...or more steam.

Good thing: Katie, Rolland, Rob, Justine and I will be performing in the Westside Eclectic's Monthly Mix-In show with other persons of the talented persuasion! Thursday, August 14th at 9:30 p.m.

Bad thing: I'm usually not home in the middle of the day and it's hot and I can't figure out the air conditioning in my apartment!

Good thing: Last Tuesday, I saw Dynamite Kablammo and wrote up a review of said show for The Coming. If the Marx Brothers hosted the Twilight Zone, it would be this show.

Bad thing: Microsoft Works - a program or a statement of optimism?

OBJECTS

Sometimes there is moisture in the bag left over from the water bottle.
Sometimes the landline phone doesn't charge correctly and it dies quickly.
Sometimes the envelopes are sealed with tape, and if not, then obviously with spit... so to open it one needs to touch residual spit.
Sometimes the pen stops working even though there is still ink in the little window where one looks to see if it's empty.
Sometimes a little piece of toast will catch on fire.
Sometimes there is a motorcycle that sets off all the car alarms.
Sometimes the floss will shred.
Sometimes the light bulb will have a little rattling thing inside when it's shaken after it burns out.
Sometimes the socks are bunched up, requiring the shoe to be taken off to allow for adjustment.
Sometimes the penny has rust.
Sometimes the glass if half full.
Sometimes there are extra chips at the bottom of the bag, a fun surprise.
Sometimes the toilet does not require extra cleaning.
Sometimes the foil can act as cool wrapping paper.
Sometimes the fly swatter does its job.
Sometimes the sharpie does not smell too bad.
Sometimes the grips on the bottom of the slippers prevent a catastrophic fall.

Super-Pancake Breakfast

Superdickery is the place to go when you feel like saying, "Man, Superman really is a dick!" It's also the place to find gems such as this...



(Original article here.)